A rainy Saturday afternoon. Kid’s soccer cancelled.

‘Really,’ I scoffed. ‘A film about sugar?’

I’ll sit through any movie. It’s like a gig, there’s always something you take away.

But sugar?

The premise: Aussie Actor Damon Gameau decided to eliminate refined sugar from his diet. Not the typical sugars we know will kill you – cheeseburgers, chips and sundaes – but the hidden buggers in yoghurts, cereals and fruit juice. ‘You see some of these products in the supermarket with a sunset on them,’ he says. ‘Or words like Mother Nature and a bee and a flower or something. And people believe it.’

Gameau consumed the typical Australian’s 40 teaspoons of sugar a day, kept up his exercise routine, the same kilojoule intake of his typical diet and only ate foods perceived to be healthy. The result? He put on weight, lost energy and craved endless sugary hits. But can a film change behaviour? Afterwards, my niece handed me her fruit juice and threw her M’n’Ms in the bin. As we left our seats I inhaled buttery popcorn and chocolate covered ice cream cones at the ticket counter.

‘Guess you’re not selling too much confectionary this week?’ I asked the usher.
‘Nothing,’ he replied.

And this morning my daughter wanted nothing on her porridge but milk.
Job done, Mr Gameau.

black-caps-huddle-2015-ps

It is a typical morning in the Black Caps office. Stuffed wallabies and kangaroos hang from the walls. Brendon McCullum (Macca) is reading notes on his treadmill, coffee in one hand and 45kg dumbell in the other. Martin Guptill sits at his desk studying notes.

MACCA: Morning Guppy, first in again?

GUPPY: As always, but not for long. Got a 10’o’clock.

The office door swings open and a cheesy grin appears.

DAVEY WARNER: HEY, C%CKHEADS!

Macca attempts to thwack Warner across the head with his office chair.

DAVEY WARNER: Ha! Messed!

Macca picks up Warner with one finger and hurls him out of the window without spilling a drop.

MACCA: Damn Ockers.

Macca sits down, pats his pet Komodo dragon and unscrews the top of his power shake. He skulls the contents and crushes the bottle with his forehead.

MACCA: Now don’t forget, we’ve got that presentation with Mitchell Starc today.

The office goes quiet. Macca looks at the rest of the Black Caps who have arrived on masse.

MACCA: So?

GRANT ELLIOTT: Um, I’m, I’ve got to be somewhere.

ROSS TAYLOR: My grandma died.

ADAM MILNE: I think, yeah, my grandma’s dy-ing.

Grant, Ross and Adam flee. Three cars start up and speed off.

Tim Southee appears from the kitchen with two semi-naked broads hanging off him. Macca holds up the presentation notes.

TIM: Come off it, Macca! I’ve done heaps lately. Plus, you know, got my hands full.

The girls laugh and nuzzle Southee’s neck.

A tornado of canary yellow enters the office. It is Pat Cummins and he looks pissed.

PAT CUMMINS: Change of plan. I’m Mitch today and I do things different. Arm wrestle to see who wins this deal.

Macca rolls his sleeves up.

MACCA: Game on.

PAT CUMMINS: Not you, him.

Him is the mild-mannered, bearded man in the beige cardigan by the photocopier.

A bogan appears, clinging to the office window.

DAVEY WARNER: You got no chance, P*SSY!

Macca slams the window on Warner’s hand, then pulls it up just enough. Warner falls to the ground below and crushes Mitchell Johnson’s mobile tattoo parlour.

Kane Williamson sits opposite Pat Cummins.

KANE: Can I get you a cup of tea?

PAT CUMMINS: Get on with it, WIMP.

KANE: What about a biscuit?

Pat grabs Kane’s right arm and forces it inches from the desktop. Kane smiles and reciprocates. The desk is split into two. Pat writhes in pain.  A broken wrist and sweaty underarms.

KANE: Thank you for the opportunity. I think you did very well.

PAT CUMMINS: Sheep shagging hobbit.

Kane digs into his work bag and pulls out a can of Rexona.

KANE: Maybe use this next time?

taxi_driver_by_riikardo-d55y43g

I left my wedding ring in a cab.

It wasn’t even my wedding night, just a few beers with the boys.

I have this terrible habit of fiddling with my ring. If I’m standing on a boat I wonder, what would happen if it fell in there? On decks I often look at gaps between the planks and think the same.

This particular night my mates and I were in a Corporate Cab in Auckland driven by Ali. Around midnight we arrived at my house, during which time I’d fiddled once again and my ring sprung into the air and rolled somewhere.

At the time I laughed. But secretly I was thinking, my ring is not on my finger and my other fingers can’t locate it. Moments later four grown men lifted seats and shone iPhone torches. Brown, you dick. How could did you do that?

Yes, yes, I know.

I figured the ring wasn’t at the bottom the ocean or beneath a deck, so waved the boys on. My fate now lay with Ali and a mobile number on a business card.

I got up at 7am. Ali got up at 4pm. Long day.

Text – 4.14pm: Wat sort of ring is it?

I described it.

Text 4.21pm: Yes mate, I got it

The next day Ali from Corporate Cabs dropped the ring off to my house free of charge.

Text: It’s al gud u don’t need to pay.

Legend.