uk on a g-string Archives - Page 10 of 13

Justin Bieber pops into the Langham in Auckland to track down author Justin Brown hoping to get a signed copy of his favorite junior novel ‘Shot, Boom, Score!’ [citation needed].

A few weeks ago on our radio show we asked the question, can you beat a dog in a swimming race? This morning we wondered, can you piggyback a pig?

That’s our co-host Jason in the helmet, who drew the short straw and had to undertake the challenge. (I understand the need for gloves, but a helmet?)

Jam the pig was a good sport: calm, measured and happy. That is, until we got him out of his cage, when he squealed like a hungry baby in a wet nappy. With colic. The noise coming from Jam’s chops was simply unbearable.

Jason adjusted his helmet and dropped to his knees. He was ready, but Jam wasn’t. The noise abated once we put him back in his cage, where he munched happily on an apple. He was not distressed, nor upset. His was the equivalent of a toddler’s tantrum and we all fell for it.

So, unless you have a high tolerance of high pitched squealing, it is not possible to piggyback a pig? Or even get the little guy near your shoulders. Which leaves me with two questions. Why is it called a piggyback? And, if a piggyback is out of the question, how about a 100m sprint?

Currently reading Roald Dahl (More About A Boy) from our local ‘liebary.’ The man himself would have loved this. Graffiti on my book! I’ve made it!

If you’re thinking of traveling to New Zealand one day, it could be a wise move to watch this video first. I filmed it on the streets of Auckland. Despite sounding like an episode of ‘Flight of the Conchords,’ these sayings are used daily.

Choice, bro! She’ll be right! Sweet as!

When I turned 36½ I discovered I was the age of the ‘average’ New Zealander. But who, I wondered, is the average New Zealander?

Long story short, I decided it was time to face some of our national sacred cows.

Did the ‘good keen bloke’ still exist?

Whatever happened to 80 Million Sheep?

Is this the greatest place in the world to bring up kids?

The result was ‘Myth New Zealand’ – now available to read on Kindle. The first four chapters are free (via KDP select) here and the full book is here. I’ve been told it’s essential reading for Kiwis – and anyone planning to go to New Zealand – but you’ll have to see for yourself.

Some kind things people said about Myth New Zealand:

‘A guidebook that explains what makes Kiwis tick’ – Jackie Russell, The Times

‘An insightful meander through our history with a look into our future’ – M2 magazine

‘I borrowed it off a friend and I’m not giving it back’ – entertainer and author Max Cryer

‘Justin Brown is the natural heir to Max Cryer, except he’s shorter and can’t play the piano’. – national broadcaster Jim Mora

‘A humorous and provocative look at New Zealand and the way we see ourselves today’ – book critic Graham Beattie

‘Comical, thought provoking look at our country’ – Nicky Pellegrino, Herald On Sunday

Remember how good it felt to draw as a kid? You never worried about stuffing up. ‘Look, it’s a table! Nope, it’s a monkey’s butt. Scratch that, it’s a cauliflower spaceship.’ We lose our inhibitions as we get older and worry what people think. I got some great advice from New Zealand artist Susan Webb who suggested I draw left handed – without looking at the paper. Look down. ‘Picasso! Inside a tomato! On a sausage dog!’

Liberating.

‘Can I play on your phone?

Can I play a video game?

Can I hit the cat?

Can I see if the remote bounces?

Can I see if my sister bounces?

Can I watch TV?

Can I play on your old phone?

Can I go on the computer?’

If you have a bored 6-9 year old in the house can I put in a cheeky plug for the newly released FIREBOYS COLLECTION e-book. It’s been described as an exciting, easy-to-read series starring three unlikely characters. There’s Red (the competitive one), Leo (the serious one) and Spark (the loveable idiot.) The stories have strong plots and quirky characters. When I was a kid I found this length of story (about 10,000 words) cool to read because they’re easy to understand and a good introduction to longer stories. Plus it feels great when you actually finish a WHOLE BOOK. (Just click on the cover to be taken to the Amazon page.)

Or, just let the kids use your phone. But don’t get the high score on Temple run, they really hate that.

This morning on our radio show we asked ‘Can Jase, Stace or Justin’ win a swimming race against a dog. All week we asked listeners to submit opponents. Kira the German Shepard was chosen.

But where would we race? Not surprisingly every public pool in town told us to jump in the lake. The sea! Of course. Friday morning rolled round and three names were places in a bucket. The loser had to race Kira.

I drew the short straw. ‘Shake!’ I said. And she did. Good sport. And we were off!

The winner of the first race was undecided as it was suggested I cheated by running the last bit. I thought I was being a good sport by emulating the doggy paddle. (Didn’t see Kira trying backstroke.) The second race was definitive. Sort of.

Meanwhile, Kira just wanted her ball.

Billie and Macy review ‘Shot, Boom, Score!’ Thanks girls. Oh, and working on new books in case you’re wondering.

Justin Brown

One photo, Bieber, but that’s it

Is it possible to piggyback a pig?

Stay at scool, kids

How to speak like a Kiwi (as in New Zealander, not the fruit)

I love New Zealand but…

Why Mick Jagger should run your HR Department

How to draw with the freedom of a five-year-old

8 kids questions that always have the same answer

Can a man win a swimming race against a dog?

‘I’d give this a five star rating. Probably.’